In the search for meaning most of it doesn't really matter

In the search for meaning ultimately it comes down to this – most of it doesn’t really matter so just enjoy

The last few years have been a period of reflection for me – nothing startling or amazing about that I guess, everyone does it I assume at some point - short periods, long periods. I’m 45 – nothing startling or amazing about that either but my kids have grown up (and still growing as it turns out) and I’ve had periods of unemployment/working freelance during this time which have given me time to reflect, consider, contemplate, wonder, think, worry and....read a lot too. What conclusion have I reached? A few in fact but here’s the main one which I’ll offer now because anyone reading a blog or an article or a column tend to want to know what the main point is if they are going to read on I’m no different – so if you want to know why I have reached the following conclusion (and the rest) then read on. If you don’t just think about this for a second....well much longer actually but here it is:

Like you I am merely one person in a population of 7 billion people on a large planet (very small in planetary terms) which is in a galaxy known as the Milky Way (across an infinite universe) where ‘some of its stars are almost as old as the universe (more than 13 billion years old) [and] within our galaxy lie 200 to 400 billion stars....in our galaxy lies our sun, a teenager at a mere 4.57 billion years old’ and in terms of our evolution, ‘civilisation has been around for about 1.5 minutes’ and when all is said and done, most of what we give a damn about isn’t really worth giving a damn about and all I can really give a damn about is those closest to me because ultimately when we’re gone, we’re gone, it’s over, done with, kaput – and as we all know too well, life is precious, life is vulnerable, in all our pomp and glory one minute yet pushing up daisies or occupying an urn the next.

So let me begin by first telling you where I’m coming from which might help to contextualise my main conclusion a little. I’m a youth worker by profession (or as I prefer to say by trade) and have now managed to amass almost 30 years in youth work, 21 of those deemed as professionally qualified by Ulster University or University of Ulster – still can’t get used to that enormous rebrand.

For the first 20 years of my life religion was a significant part (in my life). I was raised in the Roman Cathartic....oops, sorry, the Roman Catholic tradition and would have described myself as a ‘right-wing conservative’ fuelled by a full-on commitment to the ‘rules of the club’ – yip I even kept my confirmation pledge of not drinking alcohol till I was 18. Such commitment to said rules can only mean one thing - I was probably a little hard to bear at times, although my parents where mightily proud of me....well having a picture of Pope John Paul II on your bedroom door is likely to make any Catholic parents proud. Mind you, I wasn’t that bad - as I the one who looked over 18 when I was 14 and 15, I did go into the off-licence for my friends – they’d get drunk and I’d be around to look after them. Imagine buying drink from an off-licence that you’re not going to drink!

Anyhow, fast forward to now and I have moved from one end of the spectrum to the other. I simply questioned, critiqued and challenged many of the beliefs I had grown up with (even cherished) and eventually came to the conclusion that whilst religion did instil in me many important values I simply didn’t need religion of any kind to guide me as to how to live in my life – in fact the opposite, it was making me self-righteous and that’s not a very admirable quality. After all, if you are going to be a member ‘of the club’ you need to stick to the rules - you just can’t cherry-pick – tut, tut, these part-time Catholics – flip me!!

The passing years have been informed by a growing commitment to trying to live my life in as humane a way as possible. And what have I learned? Many things of course but not least of all that the more I know the more I don’t know but that’s quite abstract so let me try and be a little more specific – I’m anything but perfect (I actually knew that anyway) but as a full practising member of the club I had God on my side and thus I must be right, right? WRONG! I’ve made mistakes, many – small, medium and those that have been indelibly left with two size 9 imprints.

So in realising I’m far from perfect and having accepted my human side (and still accepting it by the way) but having stopped long ago (as it so happens) trying to strive for perfection I have come to adopt a number of mottos that I try to live by – my most common motto is, ‘there’s always someone worse off than you’ (which is designed to remind me that when I think things are bad they’re not as bad as they could be and thus the need for a little humility is necessary) and ‘humour is the shortest distance between people’ (laughter is a language we all share and a currency we can exchange not matter how poor we are).

I truly believe that humour, and music, is a cure-all for many of society’s ills (but that’s another conversation) – no wonder that in certain parts of the world ‘they’ ban music – ‘they’ know the power of it. And no wonder that humour, especially satire and irony is often frowned upon by authority not to mention certain governments.

In acknowledging that I’m anything but perfect I also acknowledge that I’ve been very lucky in my life – no major traumas of any kind – my health is generally good (I can’t swim far and I’m certainly not marathon material but my health is decent). Bereavement has never really visited me in any major way and life-changing or life-defining challenges? Well compared to some, none!

Now, that’s not to say there haven’t been challenges – finding consistent work in my chosen profession over the last few years has proven more and more difficult. I also went through divorce and whilst it wasn’t without its challenges I emerged stronger for it – a lot less wealthy mind you, not that I was ever really wealthy, perhaps on paper it might have appeared so but then 2008 came, Lehman Bros, housing crash, divorce and voila, any wealth accrued, perceived or otherwise – gone! The reality is that if I don’t find ‘X’ amount of pounds in about 11 years I might be bunking in with my kids – assuming in this current climate they haven’t moved back in with me!

So yea, I have been quite lucky in many respects – essentially no wealth but as it stands, enough to live on day-by-day which (it can be said) is much more than for millions worldwide. There are of course some challenges – some of those relationships closest to me have led to much soul-searching, reflection and contemplation – stressful at times but nothing that compares with someone who has just received or is coming to terms with the news of a terminal illness for example. I fully appreciate what I have even when there are challenges. And it’s with this in mind I come back to my opening point – an enforced period of unemployment/freelance has provided me with time (time that wasn’t available when I was busy) & thus I now look at things differently.

I never was (nor am I now) someone who is materialistic – I have a notion of what I can only describe as a ‘decluttering process’ that leads me to my living (a very simplistic existence) out of an old VW Camper (we had one when we were younger and so I have terribly fond memories) and not being part of the house-owning communities that have emerged with such frequency in the last decades (primarily in western democracies I have to add) – in many ways most of us got in at the wrong time and bought into the dream that has become a nightmare in many respects. When you think about it, who honestly would agree to pay back £2.50 for every £1 borrowed over 20 years with no guarantee you’d own anything at the end of it? Ludicrous really but many of us have done so or similar, perhaps paying back even more.

I was talking to a friend a few months back – he bought his dream house in Donegal a number of years ago – think he mentioned a mortgage of €100, 000 or more only to discover that there were problems with the materials used to build it, and now? Well a home that’s literally crumbling but a mortgage he still has with the bank on a property he can’t live in or get shot of.

So in terms of reflecting on events I have considered many important questions – not the ‘what is the meaning of life’ type but more so where am I going now (after a generation in youth work), what am I looking to achieve, what should I be focusing on how, how best can I apply myself, how should I live my life from now on and so on and so on.

And whilst my periods of unemployment have helped to create the context for such reflection it was the recent and very tragic events in Buncrana, Co. Donegal where five members of one family lost their lives (when their car slid off a pier) that brought sharply into focus how easily life can be lost – the nature and circumstances were particularly heart breaking.

In a year when many celebrities we know of (but don’t actually know in person) have also passed, seemingly very suddenly, and when the suffering and inhumanity of what’s going on in Syria and other parts of the world is interspersed with headline grabbing stories that is Paris, Brussels, Ankara, Baghdad, Nice and so on, it becomes clearer that life is precious, yet so immensely vulnerable. Here in full glory one moment, obituaries the next. The irony is that humanity is experiencing a more peaceful time in its history than at any other time but with rolling media it just doesn’t seem like it.

The last few years as I have mentioned have brought to the fore a time to stop, take stock and to think; and has presented opportunities to do other things that also by circumstance might not have happened, i.e., making time to pick up my mother for example on Friday’s for her to go shopping, lifting my father on Saturday’s to go visit his sister – things that might have been a duty or chore or out of necessity but have become moments to enjoy, savour, embrace and make time for and build memories around.

Finding someone to share my life with in recent times and to be in the company of her immediate and wider family whilst entering a new phase in the relationship with my own children as they are now ‘all grown up’ has also helped to inform that reflection - I now have a much greater appreciation of those moments, so much so that at no point in my own life have I been more clear nor had a stronger desire to give of myself to family than now. That’s not to say I didn’t in the past but now I have a much greater appreciation of what’s important.

Over the last few years I have picked my mother up to go shopping on Friday mornings and on many occasions I had ‘brunch’ with her (lunch for her, breakfast for me as she’s up from about 8am and I was sometimes only getting out of my bed to go lift her) and in the restaurant we used to go into a lot of elderly patrons used to frequent there and it’s during this time, I as a spritely 40+ year old, also got to see and hear about at first hand, some of the challenges and conversations that these fine upstanding elderly patrons have or had. And it was during this time I also got a sense of my own mortality. And thus began to also realise the need to appreciate the time we have on this spinning ball of dust and gas.

Now in terms of this period of reflection I’m not going to sit here and pretend I don’t get cranky, frustrated and impatient with things, situations or people (except when I’m playing indoor football on Wednesday and Friday nights – that doesn’t count, we’re allowed to be Neanderthal-like then) but I now appreciate much more the importance that we often afford to things that require certain energies - namely negative, which are also often misplaced and confused with asserting our identity, or at least a facet of it. So when someone jumps the queue, looks at us in the ‘wrong way’ or treats us in a way we don’t feel shows respect there is a tendency to give out or react in particular way.

I have reached a kind of conclusion that much of what we ‘stress’ over (and I appreciate that stress has multiple meanings for everyone) are ultimately, just not that important any more.

I have two two-seater sofas at home and most of the time they are adorned by two throes (don’t worry I do wash them from time to time) with the words, ‘God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference’. Now, I know this is in contrast to my earlier assertion about religion but it’s the essence of the words that I love.

It reminds me of one of my other mottos, ‘it doesn’t matter what you say people will talk about you anyway’ so try not to waste too much energy, if any at all, on negativity (especially of others) because there are some things that you won’t be able to change and knowing the difference between what you can and can’t change will have much more positive outcomes for your daily existence.

Now that’s not to say you should give up on taking a stand against injustice, unfairness, inequality, violence and so on but as a good friend of mine once said, ‘pick your fights’ or rather, know whom or what to engage at the right time.

You see there comes a point in life when you realise in which direction you should channel your energies. When I was younger I wanted to (and genuinely believed I could) change the world – of course that was more a reflection of my perception of the world, my faith in human capacity, not least of all my own and somehow my belief that if everyone tried to live like I lived we’d all be much better off – yeah I know, tell me about it, how naive was I, or rather how self-righteous was I about my own way of living?

But it was that naivety that allowed me to believe in change, a belief that change was always possible if we’d only try hard enough. That fundamental belief of creating change hasn’t changed, I’m just much more realistic about it and what it takes to create change and how we need to look at things differently, from new perspectives, if we are to bring about change and that change begins in our minds.

The world needs more people like me back in my teens (just without the self-righteous nature), not ‘tainted’ or tempered by experience but driven by an unquestionable sense of justice and belief, with the energy to fight, to challenge, to uphold the values that make humanity great yet we also need those who provide something equally as important – people to create space and time and love, care and compassion – not in some kind of spiritual guru & priestly fashion but just in a manner that helps to create tranquillity, understanding and calmness.

During my ‘sabbatical’ (that’s code for unemployment and freelance), I have read a lot – well at least I think so, some read a book a week, I don’t have that capacity. I go through books, underline what I think is important and then come back to the underlined bits at a later stage and enter the notes into note books (yes I know a bit sad really) thus only having to carry with me a few books around (much lighter than carrying nearly 30 books around).

The books I read are not novels – more so they focus on things like how the brain works, how humanity operates, challenges for the future, trying to live a more peaceful and harmonious existence and so on – needless to say it poses profound questions, not the ‘will Liverpool ever win the Premier League title’ kind of question, but one’s that throw into doubt assumptions we make about our current existence and at what cost we have reached the point we’re now at.

From all of this I have come to one clear conclusion – I am one person in a population of 7 billion people on a large planet (very small in planetary terms) which is in a galaxy known as the Milky Way (across an infinite universe) where ‘some of its stars are almost as old as the universe (more than 13 billion years old) [and] within our galaxy lie 200 to 400 billion stars....in our galaxy lies our sun, a teenager at a mere 4.57 billion years old’[1] and in terms of our evolution, ‘civilisation has been around for about 1.5 minutes’ and when all is said and done, most of what we give a damn about isn’t really worth giving a damn about and all I can really give a damn about is those closest to me because ultimately when we’re gone, we’re gone, it’s over, done with, kaput – and as we all know too well, life is precious, life is vulnerable, in all our pomp and glory one minute yet pushing up daisies or occupying an urn the next.

It’s with this in mind that I have come to consider the question of legacy – I think about this in a broader context, a context where in certain parts of the world there is indiscriminate conflict, absolute poverty, homelessness, disease, corruption, torture and so on and so on (you can make your own list). And I think to myself, what can I do to try and change that – have I got the power to do so, the resources and most importantly the desire and passion?

Well yes, is the simple answer, back in 2001 I took a former employer to an Industrial Tribunal and won a test case (represented myself) and changed employment law in Northern Ireland forever (had to add forever for dramatic effect even if it is true) and therefore any of us at a given moment can effect change when driven to do so but of course it takes more than just energy, drive and belief – many other factors come into play, some of them we have no control over, but our own energies can ‘force’ other energies to take effect.

It’s when I think of this question about change and the capacity to bring about change I think about change makers – Cameron, Blair, Bush – nah, only kidding, change makers of an entirely different kind they are but that’s for another day – I think of the obvious ones - Ghandi, Mandela, Jesus, etc (etc is code for a momentary lapse of memory where yee can’t think of any more names) and it’s then that I begin to consider what is it I want to achieve in my remaining days and what will be my message that forms part of if not all of my legacy.

The concept of legacy is quite an interesting one in many respects – when we think of legacy we tend to think of it in terms of achievements and often this is measured in physical or other kinds of materialistic ways or at least it certainly feels like that in our 21st century westernised culture.

Leaving a sum of money or a property or putting down a marker that helped create change or helped to influence the lives of others is also among the notions we have around legacy. In my role as a youth worker I have always said that we are defined by our actions and what I mean by that is this - the message we leave behind in our work with young people, the impression(s) we leave – of course we can say and do things that we don’t necessarily mean, or subscribe to but sometimes we only get one shot at things and if we screw up it can be very hard to undo what is done – and thus the message we leave behind can be of much greater significance.

Over the years I have bumped into young people I have worked with and they recite key moments in their lives where we exercised influence or played a significant role at a particular moment which made a difference in their lives.

One young person approached me in a bar one evening to double check it was me and then to let me know that the DJ course we provided (many years before) and that he had enrolled on started his career in DJing, and he wanted to thank me.

This is not to take away from other factors at work, i.e., our general commitment to providing youth services, or his mother registering him and his cousins (so he would be busy during the summer holidays), or his decision to take part and give lots of energy to it at the time and so on but to have someone come up and offer me their story and how I influenced their life is not only wonderful to hear but just simply reassuring that my efforts were not in vein and that the time and energy invested have been worth it.

More recently, on a trip to Belgrade for a planning meeting, I flew to Budapest where my colleagues and I were picked up and taken by minibus on a five-hour drive. I noticed our driver looked a little tired (but thought perhaps he always looks like this) and as I took my place in the front seat I thought, need to keep an eye here – not easy when you’ve been travelling most of the day and you’re leaving on a 5-hour journey at 10pm. But I did, and thankfully so, because for one moment he dozed off (only for a second) and I asked him if he was ok? He replied that he was whilst trying to impress upon me that he had just been looking at something out the window.

It was only further on in the journey at about 70 miles an hour and inches from hitting the car in front and going off the motorway that I gently (in what might constitute a loudish but eloquently abrupt fashion) reminded the driver he might want to ‘watch out for the car in front’ (or words to that effect).

In a sense that was a legacy moment – effectively I had saved the driver and I (not to mention the other 7 passengers in the back from death or serious injury none of whom would have known shit as they were all sleeping) - yip, it was like that moment from Father Ted when Ted, Dougal and Jack have been driving all night whilst asleep. My colleague from Estonia who was travelling with me knew nothing of what had happened till we arrived at our hostel – still waiting on that beer for saving her life!

I tell that story not by way of saying, hey look, I saved the lives of others but rather as part of our legacy which isn’t necessarily about materialism – monetary, physical or otherwise, but rather how our actions can have positive outcomes in the lives of others – I also tell it because I see the ‘funny’ side of it and reminds me of my own NDE (‘Near Death Experience’) when falling asleep at the wheel on my way home from Belfast one evening many years and also, how sometimes we are meant to stay alive.

At this time of my life the issue of legacy is one which is driven by desire, passion and not least, motivation – much of my motivation is about savouring the experience, enjoying the moment and just being free in that moment – be that a walk through a busy city centre when all about me is rushing to and from the next meeting, appointment or victory; people-watching over a nice cuppa; enjoying a pint and a newspaper on a sunny day; or still ‘living out’ some childhood dreams at indoor football twice a week, my motivation tends to revolve around the experience, the enjoyment I get from it and just being in that moment.

Whilst I now take time to enjoy these moments more than I ever did, particularly as childhood was about discovery and youth was about exploration followed by my 20’s and 30’s which was dominated by parenting and all the challenges and pressures that that brings, my 40’s is about savouring the moments and being free to choose, which also means rather than trying to fit somewhere into the fast lane and being part of the conveyor belt of life, I can still create change, make things more simple, not complicate life (because it tends to be complicated enough already and we humans seem committed to making it more complicated) but aspiring to a more simple life, a life where I get to choose the passions I want to pursue.

The fabulous car, the exclusive house, the annual holiday in the sun and so on are not my priorities but rather my passions for humour (and promoting and sharing my own ‘Humour is Serious Business’ programme); music (listening to it more and more, creating an album of covers of favourite songs and even a spot of DJing); promoting international youth work (continuing to provide international learning opportunities to local youth workers as I have done for over 8 years); publishing a second book of poetry as well as a book on an ‘Ethical Will’ (stole this title from my good friend Amos); and trying to convince the Ulster University of the merits of my PhD proposal on the impact of international youth work on post-conflict societies – these are now my passions – don’t pay shit but they’re my passions.

You see, I’ve come to a conclusion (another one I hear you say) – most decisions, answers and responses to questions, challenges and problems are not informed by logic, common sense or a desire to ease the burden and stress on our daily lives but are determined by personality – and of course personality is made up of emotions, values, belief, ideology, mood, context and so on, and whilst the vast majority of us would say we are committed to things like inclusion, equality and human rights, we are a species that is governed by experience, bias, prejudice, wants, needs and things that are close and personal to us.

I’m not for one second suggesting that this is all bad but we as individuals can’t function without any of these and alongside assumptions, decisions are ultimately at the whim of all of those things mentioned and thus raises questions of whether or not there can be truly fairness, justice and equality for anyone never mind everyone.

I guess what I’m saying is that we all recognise the need to aspire to fairness, justice and equality and we endeavour to try and achieve this but can we truly be this all of the time? There are many great acts of kindness, care, love and compassion – life is short (relatively speaking) and can be so beautiful – but we live in a world where most of the decisions that affect us are made by other individuals who (like us), are subject to all the various influences I have already mentioned. So when I sit back now and think what is my priorities (apart from passions) I think about my legacy and the message(s) I want to leave behind. (I don’t really have any money so it has to be messages).

My focus now is on key messages, messages about values and principles, ideals that we hold dear, ways in which we live or have lived our lives, commitments to being true to ourselves, a passion for things we care about, a desire for a more peaceful and calm existence, being innovative and creative when we can or when is necessary, aspiration that helps me to keep believing in my own capacity to contribute positively in the lives of those I come into contact with, dreams that enable me to look into the future with hope, and a belief that we can truly be more than we ever imagined.

I am far from perfect (but of course no-one is in any case and what is perfect anyways?) and no more right than anyone else (we all believe we are right of course because that’s what gives us our values and beliefs) but I have clear ideas on how I should live and if invited by others to share will be happy share those ideas (be careful when inviting meJ).

I have reached that point where I am now committed to achieving a state of ‘contentment’ rather than pursuing happiness (pursuing happiness is fine but all too often can lead only to disappointment - the search for happiness can be endless and is always being redefined in many ways or is merely relative to your own circumstance) but I smile and laugh when life invites me.

I truly live in each moment (or as much as I can) but without living it as if it were going to be the last because I know not when the last moment will visit and thus I should embrace the gift of time.

I endeavour to give a lot knowing that it cannot always be the best for some yet I wish them well as they journey through expectation.

I am eternally grateful for the many opportunities that have presented themselves in many guises yet know and acknowledge that luck and coincidence lends a hand.

I will look back upon my many achievements and moments of pride but I am humbled by those whose grace and integrity never sought the limelight.

I will look back upon all that I have accomplished and will remember those who have helped me to secure those accomplishments.

I will no longer focus my energies on others to the extent that I have but rather give my energies to a more noble cause, one whereby I concentrate on merely pursuing a simple existence and endeavour to care that I live a life of care and compassion.

In a world where the many human values we cherish are often belittled and watered down there is really a lot I cannot influence nor control yet I can live my life in a way that is about committing to caring, acts of compassion and love and doing so this can be my message.

These are my conclusions.

[1] Humanity’s Really Short Story from ‘Evolving Ourselves, How Unnatural Selection is Changing Life on Earth’ by Juan Enriquez and Steve Gullans